It was 9.10am.
"Are you waiting for the bus?" I asked.
"Yes, number four," he said. "I've been here about 25 minutes."
There is one bus that often runs late. It disgorges its kids after the bell at the primary school and I see high school kids getting more and more anxious waiting for it. I'd never seen this guy before, so surmised he was year 7. He was clearly worried.
So was I. The bus had never been this late before. I was thinking he'd manage to miss it.
I found myself in a dilemma. The mother in me wanted to put him in my car and drive him to school, taking the worried look off his face, and ensuring that he didn't stand at that bus stop all day.
But I was torn. The mother in me also didn't want to put him in the position of having to decide whether to accept a ride with a stranger. No matter how nice and well-meaning I was. Because the next stranger might not be so nice or well-meaning.
We stood and looked at each other. He wanted me to fix it for him, somehow. I wanted to fix it for him, somehow. But modern times have made it very bloody difficult to be charitable. Under normal circumstances, I would have whipped out my phone and rung his mum. But, of course, today of all days, I'd left my phone plugged into the wall, charging merrily, of no use to anyone.
"Do you live nearby?" I asked. He did. Around the corner.
"Maybe give it five more minutes and then pop home again," I said. I was relieved when he nodded, not saying 'oh, there's no-one there'. We looked at each other for another long moment before I smiled, wished him luck and walked away. Feeling like a heel.
I drove around the corner and was detoured by a policeman (thanks to an emergency situation), which brought me driving back around the block past my anxious little friend. I considered stopping and telling the policeman about him. What would I say? I kept driving. On the way back around, he saw me and gave me a little wave. I drove away. Feeling like a heel.
So tell me. Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have driven him to school to wipe the anxious look off his face? I kept thinking of Daniel Morcombe, who waited for a bus that never came. I wondered what I would have wanted for my own boys. Whom I have schooled over and over to never get in a car with a stranger. No matter how nice and well-meaning.
What would you have done?
[image: I love this illustration by NanLawson/etsy - sums up how we both felt]
Called the bus company to see if bus was on way. I would have driven him to school but I would have notified another adult first, someone who knew me and have child call his parents for permission.
ReplyDeletePerhaps taken him to the school office and they could have called his mum? I would be so grumpy for my kids for getting into a car with a stranger. But would feel far worse if someone could've stepped in to help my child and didn't and then something happened. Why is it you always leave your phone at home when these moral dilemmas arise! You did what you thought best, don't be so tough on yourself x
ReplyDeleteI'm confused. The kid was outside the school, but not the school he was supposed to be at? If that's the case, I would have taken him into the school and to the office and asked him to call that child's school and let them know that you have that child in your care - give them your details - then take him to school.
ReplyDeleteOooh. Tricksy. I'm guessing it's easy to guess at now, but that it's different when you're actually in the situation. I think I would have walked the boy home. Or found a payphone (do they still exist?) to call his parents from.
ReplyDeleteI know! I wish I'd had my phone. In hindsight, I should have taken him in to the primary school office to make some calls. But at the time I just thought wrong uniform and got stuck on the idea of whether to put him in the car or not. Hopeless.
ReplyDeleteOh... and I just noticed your blog has changed. Nice. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI've had situations like that before. I get very anxious about the kid and can't leave them. I NEVER am without my phone, but assuming I was I would have got his mum's number and run into the school office to call her. But no, never put a strange child in your car, unless he's being assualted or something (er... not by you... you know what I mean...) xxx
ReplyDeleteIts so hard Al...that space between knowing what to do and what not to do is where I find myself most days. I over think every scenario and then the what ifs surround me even more. I think that kids are pretty resilient and he would have worked out what to do in the end (Im guessing days hes still not there??). From a child safety aspect it probably would have been better for him to wait in the school office but theory and life dont always intersect. If he could go up to you to ask a question he probably would have sort someone else out if the bus continued not to arrive x
ReplyDeleteGosh, you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I think you did the right thing NOT driving him to school, and you did him an action plan (ooh, how upmarket does that sound?) rather just waiting there for the bus.
ReplyDeleteTricky! I never would have thought to go into the office (I'm a heel too), but I might have waited with him for the bus (if I had nowhere I needed to be). The no phone business hampers the situation somewhat.
ReplyDeleteYou were right not to drive him, and he was right not to jump in your car, although this pains me to say.
Once I was 16 and walking in a rain storm and a very nice lady pulled over and offered to drive me to the shops, but I said no. I still remember the kind lady, and I hope she didn't feel silly offering her help. I still remember it decades later.
I would have taken him into the school. Sometimes its hard to think straight and logically when there are all the 'what ifs' going through you mind. Hope he didn't wait too long, or his mum came to find him.
ReplyDeleteI think I would have done the sane thing with two exceptions. I might have hung around to make sure he got the bus or went home or at least let the officer know that the child may have missed the bus but I would definateky be complaining about a consistently late bus. It's a double edged sword today. I would have ripped mine a new one if they'd gotten in your car even if i might secretly be grateful you didn't turn out to be totally nuts. I might have ripped you a new one for suggesting he get in the car too so ultimately, i think you did the best thing. It isn't you. It's society that makes us not be able to trust even the good Samaritans I'n the bunch.
ReplyDeleteThat's a tough one. But I would have waited with him to be sure he was safe. It would have eaten me up if I had left him and gone back to find him missing...Did he get on the bus? Was he grabbed? Did he cut school?
ReplyDeleteI would have offered to watch him walk home if the bus hadn't come. Then the bus company would have heard me...and Facebook...and Twitter...
This is such a hard one! You definitely made the right decision not putting him in your car, do not doubt that. You know you wouldn't want your boys in a stranger's car and neither would this boy's Mum.
ReplyDeleteIn hindsight maybe you could have walked him around the corner to his house, or into the school office, but ultimately you did what felt right at the time.
It's hard to know what I would have done if I'd been in your shoes. I think I would have stayed with him until either the bus arrived or walked him home. But that's easy for me to say now because I'm sitting at home, on my laptop with no time pressures...not in the 'real' situation like you were. Don't beat yourself up. The fact that it's weighing on your mind means you care, and that's what counts.
ReplyDeleteVery awkward! I'd have had trouble thinking on the spot as well but think I'd have approached the school inside as well. I had an issue yesterday when a child (under 3) wandered outside our kindy gym by himself. I didnt want to leave him unattended in a car park nor did I want to encourage him to follow a stranger back inside. Thankfully his Mum finally realised he was missing and came bolting out!
ReplyDeleteHindsight is torturous. Let's just hope that he arrived at school safely.
ReplyDeleteSometimes all these modern rules and danger 'awaremess' make it hard for us to do what we would naturally do!
Were you far from home? I would have whipped home and gotten my phone, returned to the bus stop to see if he was still there. If not, the bus must have come! If he was still there, then you could have called the bus company to find out when the next bus was (or just gone to their website)!
But I have the fortune of hindsight to ponder on this.
Don't beat yourself up. xx
So hard a decision. I likely would have stayed with the kid and tried to work out a solution from there. I've been outside school at pickup time no teachers insight, 2 kids left. I didn't know them but my kids did. I didn't know whether to offer to take them home. In the end, I asked them if they'd like us to wait with them and they appeared very grateful. Mum came not too much longer later.
ReplyDeleteSigh. I don't know. It's just so hard. I'm enough of a country girl that probably tips my thinking.
Hard to know what to do these days. I think I would have tried to call the bus company to find out what was happening and let the boy know or offered my phone for him to call his parents to let them know what was happening. It's difficult to know what to do in situations like this esp when the child is young and as a mum you're torn apart when you think of your own child in a similar situation.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you about not wanting to offer him a ride. I think I would have sat and waited with him for a bit if I could manage the time, then if after 5 or 10 minutes there was still no bus I would have taken him into the school office to call his parents and see what they would advise, offering, if they were ok with it, to take him to school.
ReplyDeleteWhile sitting with him and waiting for the bus I may even bring up that I would love to offer him a ride, but that I didn't feel quite right about it as you didn't want him to think it's ok to accept rides from strangers. I'm sure he would have understood that, and you could have reinforced that while you are a nice person not everyone is.
Poor kid. What an awful start to the day for him. Really I don't think it was your problem to deal with. You can't drive a strange kid to school. Too risky for all. He was a block from home. He needed to go there. Tricky scenario but I wouldn't lose sleep over it. x
ReplyDeletePS: How awesome does your blog look?!?
ReplyDeleteYour blog looks amazing!!
ReplyDeleteI would have said "I would offer you a ride, but I know you can't get in the car with a stranger. Remember that, don't get in a car with a stranger an then head home if the bus doesn't come."
But it sux that you can't be a nice stranger any more. The car makes it impossible.
x
Oh Allison, what a situation. I felt every emotion you must have been going through. I would have felt the same. My goodness every day life is hard sometimes. All these little scenarios throw themselves at us and you're right, in another time it may have been a different story... or maybe it wouldn't. I recall how extremely protective my parents were of me and they would have flipped if I'd accepted a ride from a stranger. Sad part is, you're not a stranger, you're a lovely, sweet Mama. Such a shame. I'm sure his bus arrived moments after you drove past :o) xo
ReplyDeleteP.S. Loving the look of things around here, what a snazzy, funky makeover for your blog!
Oh my gosh! Firstly, I LOVE, LOOOOOOOVE, LOVE your new bloggy look! It's gorgeous and soooo chic. I'm jealous. Very, very jelous!
ReplyDeleteNow, to the question you asked. That's such a tough one. I don't know how else you could've handled it. In the good old days you would've driven him to school without a blink of an eye. But these days, it's so darn complicated. If I'd had my phone then that would've been the best option, to ring his mum. But it's always the way isn't it? No phone when you need it. Stranger danger is a really tricky one. The fact is that most people who are strangers aren't the purpertrators. It's usually people we know that are the dodgy ones. But on saying that, it does happen that stranger can be dodge too. So hard. Not sure of the answer, Al but you definitely tried to help this boy out in the best way you could. x
Tough call Allison, but I don't think taking a kid you don't know in your car is a good idea. So you did the right thing. He could easily have gone into the primary school office himself, or walked home. I think you did more than most people, by stopping and talking to him. I bet he appreciated that anyway.
ReplyDeleteYou 'new look' is so fresh! :-)
Thanks for the feedback on the Fibro renovation. There's still some tweaking to do but I absolutely LOVE it. :-)
ReplyDeleteI could sit here and tell you what I logically think I should do in that situation, but since I haven't been there, I have no idea what I would have done. Probably exactly the same as you did, and then worried about it as you are. You couldn't have given him a lift though.
ReplyDeleteThe new blog design looks brilliant by the way :-)
New header! I like it.
ReplyDeleteI would have waited with him a few more minutes, then walked home with him, while mentioning that he should tell his mum the bus is too often late and maybe she should contact the transport authority.
Situations like that are awful as at the time you may not think of the best option, but I think your fixation on not just offering him a ride being a stranger was right on, and the conundrum that put you in fighting against your instinct to just look after him would be enough to send me into a complete state of confusion too! Nicole x
ReplyDeleteI probably would have offered him a ride and never thought twice about bad strangers. (I have a blind spot when it comes to mean people ... I just expect everyone to be nice.) And then I googled Daniel Morcombe and am sick inside. Sometimes, our world is terrible.
ReplyDeleteAl, hindsight is such a wonderful thing. I can never think of all the options at the time, I always think 'I should have done this', 'Why didn't I do that?'. You did the best you could at the time, and the right thing by not taking him. Hard one. Yes.
ReplyDeletePS Loooving your new bloggy look! :)
Remember when w could leave the house when we were kids and play in the bush or down the river until sundown? Remember when we could walk to school without a policeman giving our mum a good talking to? I miss that era of care freeness. I know evil existed back then but now we are so busy thinking about what could happen we never relax. A sad but true indictment on our society.
ReplyDeleteWow that little boy is me! though obviously i was a little girl. a nice lady offered me a lift and i accepted it. i survived but got in a lot of trouble.
ReplyDeleteI just blogged about it.
accidentallentil.blogspot.com
Bet you're still stressing about this! I am! I think you did good, I wouldn't have offered a lift, I would have maybe popped past the police and trying to ignore they were busy, may have explained the situation and asked them to go back with a phone to call the mum. I have an 11 year old boy who is starting to experience a little "controlled" freedom. I feel sick in my stomach about your experience, or what would have been the right thing to do. Sick. Offering a ride would have been the worst thing. He might have had a nice experience with you so may not have hesitated in the next situation where it might not have been so nice. Sad that things aren't like what they were in "our time" but that's our reality, we have to work within it, and offering a lift to a strange child is way outside acceptable parameters these days. You did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteLook at you Al, you look so fancy! LOVE it! xx
ReplyDeleteThe blog looks great.
ReplyDeleteAs for the dilemma - you definitely couldn't offer him a lift & doesn't it make your realise how dependent on our mobiles we have become? It also shows how teaching your kids some coping strategies so if they're in this kind of situation they can perhaps have a fall back position. If the bus doesn't come/is late, these are your options. I might have said something to the police - but who knows, it's easy sitting here at my desk thinking about it.
Oh the phone, the phone! Never leave home without it! I probably would've asked where his house was, driven there without the kid and talked to the adults about the situation. That's the thing, I don't want my daughter in some stranger's car but I also don't want her to stay in the bus stop for ages on her own. Crap. I'm hiring a security guard when she's older.
ReplyDeletePretty new look!!