Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The things you do to get out of the Fibro #2

Last week, I got one of those email jokes. It went like this: Three friends meet over a cocktail and decide they need to spice up their love lives. One is a girlfriend, one is a mistress, one is a wife. They decide they will each buy sexy black lingerie, black stockings and seductive mask.

One week later, they meet again to report on what happened. The girlfriend has had a wild, dirty weekend involving 5-star hotels and declarations of love. The mistress has been treated to diamonds for her trouble. Then it’s the wife’s turn.

“I got a sitter, turned the lights low, put on romantic music and then waited at the end of the hall in my lingerie, mask and high heels,” she says. “When he came in the door and saw me, he said ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’”

I relate this joke not only because it made me laugh (and it’s a rare email joke that does that), but because it replayed itself over and over in my mind as I made my way over to my friend R’s house last night. R has just begun a new business as a PASH consultant. She’ll be taking lingerie and Love Toys to the homes of women all over the region. I’d been invited to see what she was up to and, being the supportive (and curious) friend that I am, I was on my way. On a Tuesday.

Holy Party Plan!

It’s not my first run-in with Love Toys. When I worked at CLEO we called them Sex Toys and used to have meetings about which would look best on the page. Because that’s important in a Sex Toy.

It was, however, the first time I’d been expected to sit and, um, handle them in front of a group of women I didn’t know. At CLEO, we were professionals, handling them professionally. This would be different.

I had visions of us sitting around a formica table, under harsh, fluoro lights. My biggest worry was what I would do if someone actually ordered one. Right there. On the spot. Under the fluoros. Where would I look? Once you have a picture of someone with a large purple vibrator in her hand, it’s difficult to undo. Like, when you run into them at the post office.

But it wasn’t like that at all. It was, in fact, hysterically funny. Particularly after three glasses of champagne. On a Tuesday night. Of course, it was awkward at first. The one thing about a party consisting only of women is that everyone spends the first half hour in the kitchen. Making snacks. Like you can’t get to the fun without doing the chores first. Once we’d got through that and played a few party games, things kicked off.

I have learned quite a lot about sexy lingerie. Like the fact that it all seems to come with a Gee. It’s been a while since I’ve been on intimate terms with a Gee, and I have to confess I’m not unhappy with that situation. So no Batman moments for me this time around. Holy Bonds Hipsters!

In other news, corsets are fashionable. Best story of the night went to the gorgeous F who admitted to chasing the chooks in hers – well, what’s a girl to do when the rain’s a-comin’ and you’re caught in your smalls?

As for the Love Toys, things have moved on since my CLEO days. The Rabbit (made famous in Sex and The City) is still popular, but it looks kind of clunky now (wouldn’t make ‘the page’ these days, methinks). A Swedish company is making the world’s best vibrators. Sleek, stylish, functional. It’s not only flat-pack furniture those Swedes do well. No allen key required.

Update: The Suitcase will be opened over Easter. Stay tuned for update next week.



  1. Sounds like quite an evening - especially for a Tuesday! Fortunately no matter how potentially embarrassing attending and/or purchasing something could be, you can always fall back on the age-old excuse of "I had to. I was helping out a friend who's just getting started with party plan."

  2. So true. Used that line this very morning when I was wrapping Easter Eggs with the P&F and a, er, tickler fell out of my bag. I won it for guessing the naughty secret of the rubber duck and had forgotten I'd shoved it in the bag. They all just nodded (and then proceeded to whisper about me behind their hands). Should have just passed it off as a fairy wand and been done with it.

  3. Its wrong to make me laugh out loud while im at work. My friend has this vibrating egg thing and it fell out of her handbag on to the floor of her car. One of her sons 15 year old friends said 'whats that'. Poor woman nearly crashed the car.

  4. Oh dear, I feel so lame. The closet thing I have to a sex toy is this God awful "pelvic floor toner" that the physio made me buy (honest!) because I suck so badly at Kegels, it looks like a low range, budget style vibrator and scares the hell out of me! I might need to consult those Swedes....

  5. @RubyTwoShoes - LOL. There's a gizmo in the catalogue that looks like one of those GAPFT's but has, um, added extras. Apparently.

  6. I've never been to a party like this ... Should I be admitting that or not?? I do love the "Rabbit" episode of SATC, though, and the idea of a Batman (Batwife?) costume is ... intriguing.

  7. (Tattoomummy here) Is the swedish company you are talking about Lelo by any chance? I used to work in a "Toy Store" and they do make the most beautiful products. I never actually bought one, but I regret that now, I could have had 50% off hehe.
    I think the one that makes me giggle the most is the one that can be charged through a USB port on your computer. Imagine plugging your toy into the computer! "Oh, is this this file I need? Oops, wrong one!"

    Glad it was a great night =]

  8. Um, not quite sure what to say about that! I've been to a few tupperware parties, and even an enjo party so I can feel even more demoralised about my incompetent cleaning skills...but a love toys party?? I think not! God if I thought I was self conscious about the state of my glass splash back...

  9. Oh, this is gold!

    My last foray into the realm of such toys was in the early '90's, in Yorkshire. It was an Ann Summers Party.

    I have no recall. I got too drunk.

  10. like Lucy, my experience with such parties was in the UK and of the Ann Summers variety. Like, Lucy, I got very drunk. I found the whole thing very amusing.

    And as for the "What's for dinner, Batman?" punchline? I am finding that very amusing too!

    Gill xo

  11. How funny just back from my girls weekend and told I am not living a full life as had never heard of the rabbit!

    Love the batman joke!

  12. hehee thanks for the adult giggle.
    I went to one a couple of yrs ago ...and it was the funniest afternoon I've had in years of party plan parties.
    The age mix was from 19yrs to early fifties (sister & mother of party host) and they made sure it was a hoot.
    'They' made us hold the umm 'things' to the tip of our noses because it was the closest :) to the oh what a feeling.

    Love the Batman joke too and what is a rabbit!


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